| The
Politeness Pundit
by
Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
& Consultant
|
If
you’re actually reading this article, you
may be one of those closet politeness pundits
yourself. Here, I’ll save you from having to
look it up. It’s from the Sanskrit (pandita)
and means “ a learned man” (while I am
female) or “one who gives opinions in an
authoritative manner.”
Is that you? If so, huzzah, you’ve found a
fellow champion (and I, you)!
Do you walk around shaking your head these
days, wondering why it all has to be so nasty?
Do you listen to someone cop an attitude to
someone else (beyond the age of, say, 18,
where copping an attitude is expected) and
have that ‘nails on a blackboard’ feeling?
Do you watch someone go after someone else at
work in a perfectly awful way, seemingly just
for the sport of it, and shudder? Do you
wonder where the politeness has gone? And why?
If so, you may wonder, as I do, what their
childhood was like that they failed to rise
above the stuff of childhood. Now, I’ll
admit I had the perfect childhood for
exploring my own nastiness and the limitations
of the rewards of same. I had a twin sister
(as well as other siblings). Twins spend an
inordinate amount of time together. It’s the
ultimate test: get along or die.
We fought like cats and dogs. Mother would
banish us to separate rooms and we’d cry to
get back together again (so she said).
What’s a mother to do? Eventually she gave
up, smart woman that she was, and let us sort
it out.
What was I to do? My twin took my necklace,
slopped her things all over my side of the
room, took MY Snicker’s bar, occasionally
lost her temper and said nasty things to me,
and sometimes (when Mother wasn’t looking,
which was most of the time) even slapped me
around a bit. And she was always there!
That’s the thing: it doesn’t go away.
On the other hand, I never had to start school
alone. I could take her Snicker’s bar, as
well as borrow her necklace. I never had to
wake up alone in the night. And we could gang
up on someone who was nasty to one of us.
I can’t say I “struggled” with this; it
was just a fact of life, and in some muddled
child-y sort of way, I figured out the good
outweighed the bad, and that I’d just have
to figure out something.
It was helped by an act of fate: my father’s
latest promotion landed us in a new high
school of 4,000, not knowing anyone but each
other. I think we both decided it might be
smart to get along with one another.
While we weren’t that crazy about one
another at that point, we were all we had. And
there’s a sense in which that’s true of
all of us, no?
There in that office where you work is this
little group of people you’re stuck with all
day long, like it or not. So why not get
along? Would it be so difficult? No, it would
not, and it brings nice results. If you’re
the egocentric type – it helps your health.
If you’re another type – you’ve learned
by now, I’m sure, that sugar works better
than vinegar, or however that saying goes.
I’m struck with the irrelevant things people
blame their nastiness on – I can’t stand
my manager, they don’t know how to do things
around here, she gets on my nerves, they
don’t appreciate me … and then the I have
a headache, backache, teenager at home, PMS.
Who doesn’t? That’s an excuse, not a
reason.
It isn’t all about you. And check out your
premises. Who said you have to like someone to
get along with them? Who says you have to be
feeling good to behave in a civilized manner?
It’s the same with marriage – barring true
pathology on the party of the first part, or
the second, you’re going to encounter the
same set of bowling pins at the end of every
bowling alley. Things are not, nor will they
ever be, arranged for your sole satisfaction.
Because we live and work together, we have
etiquette (or used to): the rules of how to
behave in public. It may be experiencing a
comeback. Some of us would be relieved to see
more of it.
OFFICE SCENARIOS
·Pollyanna walks through the usual
stress-filled office with a big smile on her
face and Scrooge says, “Why are you smiling?
Are you on drugs or something?” POLITENESS
POINT: If you’re so unhappy you must stamp
out all signs of it in others, get therapy.
·Mario turns a corner and runs into someone
who snarls at him. POLITNESS POINT: Since when
did we stop walking (as we drive) on the right
side (not the ‘correct’ side, the
right-as-opposed-to-left side) of the hallway?
The rules are what make orderly life possible.
You see how many squabbles could be prevented
if we did something like this?
·People walk in without greeting one another,
which not only makes it impossible for the
phone receptionist to know who’s there, but
puts a surly tone to it all. POLITENESS POINT:
Didn’t your mother instruct you to say
“Good morning. Did you sleep well?” when
you came to the breakfast table? COROLLARY:
Whether you meant it or not. That’s sort of
the point.
·Flick hands Flack a phone message, who takes
it, grunts, turns oh his heel and walks off.
POLITENESS POINT: What happened to “Thank
you” and “You’re welcome.”
·Curly, Larry and Moe head out to lunch, not
inviting the 4th member of the department to
join them, for whatever reason, and saying
nothing. POLITENESS POINT: “We’re going to
have lunch to talk about our part of the
project. I know you’ve had enough of it, so
you don’t have to come.”
·Playing the game of “let’s get the new
person.” POLITENESS POINT: Frat hazing is
for frat boys. Grow up.
·Someone comes from another culture/dresses
weird/is known to be a stamp collector/takes
punctuation a little too seriously so let’s
mob up on them and make their life miserable.
POLITENESS POINT: Very astute, Sherlock, that
they’re different, but if you need to make
someone else feel small in order to make
yourself feel big, get therapy.
·Mary’s bored so she starts a rumor about
Harry. POLITENESS POINT: Isn’t there some
work you’re supposed to be doing?
·You’re the boss, it’s your shop, you
fought and scrambled to get there, so now
you’ve earned the right to act like a
petulant two-year-old. POLITENESS POINT: Life
is long. What goes around comes around.
COROLLARY: Do you have any idea what you look
like when you’re acting that way?
·When you were climbing up the ladder Attila
the Hun was nasty to you, so now it’s your
turn. POLITENESS POINT: Instead of “turn
about is fair play,” how about getting your
knuckles off the ground and treating people
the way you wish you’d been treated and
weren’t? In addition to giving you a
delicious sense of righteousness, it could
also save your health, not to mention that of
those around you.
·You can’t control yourself because
you’re under too much stress/have more to do
than everyone else/produce the most/are
special. POLITENESS POINT: Give me a break.
· You don’t like something about someone so
you’re rude. POLITENESS POINT: If you
aren’t past the point of logic and reason,
did you ever consider they probably don’t
like something about you as well, so that’s
not a reason!
WHAT IS POLITENESS?
Etiquette and good manners sort of level the
playing field in your head. It means how you
act regardless of whom you’re with.
Therefore it shows more about you than about
the other, i.e., Dave Barry’s quote that
someone who’s nice to you, but not nice to
the water, is not a nice person.
And BTW, the point of being nice isn’t to be
popular; it’s about smoothing out daily
interactions. Etiquette eliminates a lot of
the friction that drives us all nuts. We can
all be little beasties. That’s why dinner
manner developed … there we all are with
sharp instruments in our hands.
SOME ETIQUETTE TIPS:
1.If you haven’t figured out yet that you
have a choice how you feel, act and think, and
that they affect your health, do some reading,
get some coaching, get enlightened.
2.Your Emotional Intelligence, your ability to
manage yourself and your relationships (of all
kinds), affects your success, happiness, and
health.
3.Learn where the silverware goes. One reason
people are nasty is because they feel
inferior, and there are books you can read and
courses you can take that will get you to a
level where you’re comfortable. Here, I can
tell you in one sentence something that will
help: “Work the silverware from the outside
in.” (There’s more, but not a whole lot
more.)
4.Say “please,” “thank you,”
“you’re welcome,” and “I apologize.”
(I apologize is great, BTW, because that you
can always do, while you may not really “be
sorry” in the strictest sense of the term.
(Hey, I’m a pundit!)
5.Ask permission. You may intend to take a
cell phone call during the lunch one way or
another, but politeness dictates you ask
(“I’m expecting an important call I must
take. Do you mind?”). The beauty is
politeness will dictate they respond, “Why
no, I don’t mind at all.” See how it
works?
6.Read Emily Post (in its 16th edition). Would
it help persuade you to know it’s listed on
www.navyadvancement.com ?
7.Pay attention to the small things. Walk on
the right side, let others in front of you in
line when you can afford to (it’s good
self-discipline), smile, use people’s names,
pass the salt and pepper, offer to get
something or do something for someone else
once in a while.
8.Don’t put people who use good manners in
the penalty box. There’s a creeping
sentiment these days that someone who says
please and thank you is a lightweight.
9.Keep some boundaries. It used to be not
everyone wanted to hear about your sex life,
religious preference or political persuasion.
Nowadays there are 50 additional things not
imagined 25 years ago that we don’t want to
hear about. Save it.
THE PAY OFF
Reduced friction. Less stress.
Studies show repeatedly that money is not the
top reason why people stay at jobs. They want
an environment of respectfulness, and to feel
meaning and purpose in what they do. Etiquette
accomplishes both. If you’re in a respectful
situation, you respect the situation. Get it?
|
| About
the Author |
©
Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
and Consultant, http://www.susandunn.cc .
Susan is the author of “Why Manners Matter:
EQ at Work, at Home, at Play” and other
ebooks on important matters. She offers
individual coaching in emotional intelligence
and etiquette. She also trains and certifies
EQ coaches. For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc
with “ezine” for subject line.
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