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One of the most frequent
challenges faced by many Administrative Assistants is
that they want to help too much! That means they often
don’t know how to say no. And so they wind up
overloaded and perhaps resentful.
In our teleclass How
to Say no Without Causing Problems, we investigate
several components of creating what we call the
"Gentle Refusal." This article will summarize
them for you.
The steps of saying no
without creating negative consequences are these:
- Identify situations in
which you may need to say no to a request
- Recognize why you say
yes when you want to say no
- Understand the effects
of saying no
- Practice the
three-step Art of the Gentle Refusal – a formula
for saying no
As you read on, think of
one or two recent situations when you said yes when you
knew you wanted to say no. Describe to yourself the
specific details. What were the barriers to saying no?
Why did you want to say no, and what made you say yes.
(Or what made you say "maybe," which is the
same as saying "yes," because the other person
feels they can probably talk you into it.)
Here’s a typical
example of a situation:
Donna
and Janet have been working together for the past two
years in the same department. They frequently have
lunch together. During lunch they discuss their
personal life and how they really feel about
what’s going on in their department. They have built
a relationship of trust and Donna respects Janet for
being highly skilled at her job.
Donna
knows that Janet has been under a lot of stress
lately. Janet’s father-in-law is ill and she is
undertaking a big new project for her boss, Alan. But
over the past month Donna has come to believe that
Janet is taking advantage of her. Pressed for time,
Janet has been asking her to do special favors. For
example, she asked Donna to pick up her first grade
son from school because she needed to work an extra
two hours finishing the final edits on a report.
Today,
Janet suddenly interrupted Donna as she was
concentrating on an important project and asked Donna
to pick up some lunch for her. Janet said she was
starving and had no time to leave her project. Donna
she wasn’t planning to go out today either, but she
agreed to go get something for both of them.
Do you recognize anything
about yourself in this story?
Next take this short
self-assessment to help you understand why you have
trouble saying no.
Instructions:
Using a scale of 1–5 (low–high), indicate how true
this is for you.
- You want people to
like you and think they won’t if you say no.
- You believe you have
to earn the respect and/or goodwill of others by
doing what they ask.
- You feel it’s your
obligation to do whatever you are asked to do and
you feel guilty saying no.
- You try to say no, but
your body language encourages people to push you and
you often wind up saying yes.
- You find it so hard to
see someone’s negative reaction when you say no
that it’s just easier to say yes.
- You typically
underestimate how much time it will take you to help
others.
- You fear that you will
be fired (or get into big trouble) if you say no.
Once you understand WHY
you usually can’t say no, several principles can help
you break the habit of always saying yes.
Basic
Principles of Saying No
- You have choices.
You
don’t have to do something just because you’re
asked to do it. (This doesn’t mean you refuse to do
your job. It simply means that you get to prioritize
and be in control of your schedule rather than being
run by the demands of others.)
- When others make
requests of you, they usually believe that
they need something right now. It is part of
your job to find a way to say no without making them
feel they won’t get their work done.
- You are actually
helping people when you tell them an early no. After
all, an early no is an inconvenience. A
"no" that comes closer to their deadline
is a catastrophe! If you think that you might have
difficulty finishing their project on time, tell
them early.
- There is a specific
formula for saying no that takes the sting out of
it.
The
Art of the Gentle Refusal
Formula for Saying
‘no’
Pre-Action
(when you realize
this is a request that you may need to say no to):
Before you say anything,
break your stress response with a pause and a breath,
and realize you have the right to say no.
Action
Step 1: Ask clarification questions to verify the
request.
Your purpose is to make
certain that you correctly heard a request to which you
think you need to say ‘no’. Through clarification,
you may find that you can handle the request.
Conversely, when you clarify, sometimes the requester
realizes that you heard something they did not mean to
request. The use of questions for clarification
increases the likelihood of understanding and the
chances of both parties getting what they want in the
interaction.
Here’s an example of
clarification questions that can save you an enormous
number of headaches. (These were also mentioned in the
article on Inquiry Questions last month. They’re so
valuable I’m repeating them here.)
DON’T
ASK: When do
you need this? (You already know the answer:
right now, today, yesterday.)
DO
ASK:
When are you going to use this? AND/OR
How are you
going to use this?
Action
Step 2: Tell what you can do.
Once you make certain
that you understand the request and you feel that you
can’t comply, tell the requester what you can
do, not what you can’t do. Don’t send them away
empty handed, if at all possible. Say the CAN DO first.
People shut down their listening and get defensive or
pushy as soon as they hear something they don’t like.
So if you start with what you can’t do, they’ll
never hear the rest.
Here are two examples
of a "Can
Do."
I can
see if Cheryl is available to do that for you this
afternoon. Other wise I can get to it tomorrow.
I can
do that this afternoon, and if I do, I’ll have to
delay the budget request until tomorrow. OK?
Action
Step 3: Get verification.
Come to an agreement
with the requester.
When you follow these
steps, you will be able to have more control over your
workday without damaging valuable work relationships.
Get
more information and get practice in the
techniques:
To find out about the teleclass
"How to Say no Without Causing Problems" or
other Teleclass-at-work classes for Administrative
Assistants from NoonTime University, email Betty at info@noontimeu.com
and/or go to http://www.teleclassatwork.com
Betty Burr specializes in
coaching and training for support personnel. She is the
Founder and President of NoonTime
University, Inc. and Teleclass-At-Work.
She began her career as a junior secretary at the Naval
Postgraduate School Physics department and went on to a
career as a trainer and Director of Training. Betty
founded her own company and created Administrative
Assistant training for Hewlett-Packard, National
Semiconductor, Chiron, McKesson Corp., Federal Reserve
Bank, Applied Materials and others. She conducted West
Coast training for American Management Association
Administrative Assistant programs, and traveled
nationwide for CareerTrack and Dun & Bradstreet.
Printed with permission.
Copyright 2002, Betty Burr. All rights reserved
worldwide.
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